Welcome to Sarah's live blog of  video preview/hot picks

 

Hot picks

 

Armenia--the music video has elements of cossack dancehall and gestures towards the Fatboy Slim video for 'Praise You' by featuring real people. Also cheap CG and the original iPod silhouette advert.

 

Estonia: cello with hanunting vocals. A single singer with very heavy bangs. People are concerned about the presence of an electric violin. On a positive note, George says it reminds him of Dead Can Dance. The best of the earnest entries so far. There appears to be an attempt at--dare we say it--classiness.

 

Hungary: Oh it's the future and there are Madonna-esque beats. This threatens to become a Eurodisco hit of the summer. There are sailors--future sailors! Thereare are gestures to the Hollywood musical (anchors aweigh). George says it is Jamiroquai trapped in the fictional sci-fi world of 2046. They are all doing the bus stop at one point. We are wondering how they will manage this with only six people and sufficient costume changes.

 

Romania: Romania's answer the Pussycat Dolls/Girls Aloud! And more ponies! Your basic corset and hotpants combo. Set in nightclub that appears to be a converted cathedral. Justin Timberlake has apparently been touring the shit out of central Europe because the fit man in a fedora is all over Eurovision this year. We think the live performance will be promising. We like the shiny gold sofa in the video.

 

Ukraine: Tribal drumming by men in loincloths, mad dancing, a touch of the Magnum seven sins ice cream adverts (really, I think there's some clever use of stock footage here). Writhing dancers covered in chocolate. Repeated shots of the singer dressed as a 'sexy cop' wearing a police badge codpiece g-string. At the end, she just sinks naked back into a pool of chocolate. Something for everyone.

 

The Rest:

 

Azerbaijan: So far it's Seal meets that Madonna videos with people dancing  in white cubes. There are the obligatory tight leather trousers and fringed dress. Also some rockin' out on what appears to be the lute.

 

Why is it that Eurovision contestants always appear to have had the same choreographer. Is there a 'Bring it On'/spirit fingers situation?

 

Belarus:ZOMG it's THOR! In a white suit no less, slashed to the navel. This man is the Belarussian David Lee Roth! (God, if only.) Amazingly, this is a concert video and he appears to have legions of actual fans. Seriously, even his shoes are white. Where do they find these clothes?

 

Belgium: there are animated videos and a guy in a gold Elvis jacket. Sadly, I've seen this kind of thing before with the Stray Cats circa Canada in the early 80s.

 

Bosnia-herzegovina: there are some striking collage gestures towards Constructivist art floating around in the background. This is far too mournful and earnest to stand a chance. Suggestions for jazzing this up on the night range from girls in hot pants carrying flags to billowing red silk banners.

 

Belgium: ooh, ponies! Some dude in a flowy white shirt. There's more than a whiff of sexy medieval shenanigans here. I think he's being healed by some kind of sexy female angel? Suggestions for jazzing this up on the night: live horses on stage!!

 

Croatia: Spanish guitar and billowing cloth. Some dude carrying a black veil and some women dancing with black veils. Nicola says the smoke effect makes this look like it wants to be Bond film opening sequence. it's all just so Ricky Martin goes a bit serious. Actually, the backing singers just remind me of the All Saints spring collection. We can't work out just how many backing dancers there are--at least three of them appear to be merely standing in a wind machine and wafting around some tulle.

 

Cyprus: Some backpacker and more soft focus sisters of the woodlands. Some ethereal looking bint in a forest. There are ponies--again. Also, some sort of medieval keep--god, is she supposed to be some kind of druidess? Jenny says there is a definite whiff of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Also, there have been some comments that there are gestures to Stardust or a really bad episode of Buffy. Consensus: pitiful.

 

Fantasy: Can Lordi leap in and behead them all?

 

Czech Republic: Apparently, the last film this guy saw was Flash Gordon and we hope he wears this outfit on the night. Roma hip hop--reprazent!  The violinist has almost stabbed him in the eye with her bow. This man has an engaging stage presence that will hopefully be fuelled by a massive quantity of moonshine backstage.

 

We are skipping the Ronan Keating'-esque video from Denmark for obvious reasons.

 

Finland: Group is called Waldo's People. Police sirens and some guy who appears to have been run down in the road. Dance pop over the image of homeless people seems incongruous even for Eurovision. Suggestions for jazzing it  up on the night: Anything that doesn't involve a dead body singing. Glitter bikini Ministry of Sound-type. A dance cage. Tear-away leather parkas with loin cloths underneathe. All of these items would be a serious improvement over this video--which seems to basically be an advert for the anti-speed campaign, with the Fabric sampler over the top.

 

France: Heather says this woman will just be smoking on stage, in flagrant defiance of EU legislation. She is clearly taking a page from the Ute Lemper school of chanseuse performance. There is a bit of leg, but otherwise very traditional. This is refreshingly classy. Nic reckons it sounds like music for a downbeat French marital drama.

 

FYR Macedonia: entirely generic rock. Nothing remotely exciting.

 

Germany: There's some incredibly smarmy fellow in another shirt slashed to his navel. He is more fit than Thor though. Ricky Martin called and he wants his look back. There seems to be this prevalence of swing/latin fusion happening with Eurovision. Has some kind of Latin craze swept Europe without my knowledge?

 

Greece: there are ruins. There is some fellow who fancies himself the Greek answer to Justin Timberlake. The b-roll for this video basically looks like it's been nicked from the Greek tourist board: seriously the acropolis is lit up at night and there are superfun looking young people going out, wearing expensive sunglasses and drinking coffee and then leaping up and down in a nightclub.

 

Iceland: a mounful entry from Iceland. We think her nose looks small for her face.

 

Ireland: tattooed chicks. Ooh, Irish chicks do the Go-Gos. There is an unfortuate montage of their singer getting dressed. They also are doing that thing where their clothes match their nails and hair extensions. (Pink for those of you wondering). Heather comments that at least it's not twee. I am relieved that they've stayed away from diddly-dee music.

 

Israel: Heather informs us that this is a duet between a Jewish girl and a Palestinian girl and they're singing about peace. There are verses in Arabic and Hebrew. The song is dull.

 

Latvia: their video has subtitled lyrics. They're enthusiastic at least. They do appear to be performing in shopping malls and the one guy has a falsetto. I think these guys may have formed as a joke. Their video is reminding me of this Czech Black Wave film I once saw about this guy who goes around performing songs and becomes this kind of folk hero.

 

Lithiania: some effete fellow at a piano with a fedora. There's this twinkly dissolve sound that has given all of us a pain. This video is sadly marred by a message about stopping child abuse. This means there will be no tear-away clothing and no backing dancers--unless they're planning on some kind of evocative interpretive dance. Now we've cut rather inexplicably to a performance space where he appears to be reprising the outfit favoured by John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. consensus: pitiful.

 

Malta: Some woman in a sequined dress. Yawn. The lyrics are hideous. She can sing. George suggests there should be a moratorium placed on certain phrases for Eurovision songs: reach for the sky/ look into my eyes/ it's my time/ I feel the  heat of your desire/ you're the one for me/ come to me, my love/ dance with me/ I can see it in your eyes/. Also, any lyrics to do with fire.

 

Moldova: Ooh, folk dancing!  There's a huge troop of men dancing and a woman with bright red hair. We think they should stick with the b-roll outdoor stuff.  On the other hand--this could be great on the night. There will inevitably be synchronised folk line dancing.

 

Montenegro: Oh, more lyrics for the list of shame 'Get out of my life'. Wall of lights, a cage and the singer appears to be wearing a pink romper suit. her man bitch appears to be wearing denim cut-off hot shorts. He is clearly gay and therefore the idea that these two might have fucked in utterly unbelievable. Heather is instituting a new prize: the "Just because it rhymes, doesn't mean it has to"

 

Netherlands: Three middle-aged men in white jumpsuits. This looks like William Shatner does cheerful housey pop. Heather comments that it sounds like a Christian rock group who were asked to take out references to Jesus. Consensus: not short enough

 

Norway: Norway's fiddling answer to Zak Efron? The cossack dancing is impressive. On the night, this will be all about the impressive atheleticism of his back dancers. There is a lyric when he has to sing 'when I was younger'--when would this have been, when he was a zygote?

 

Poland: Hi. There is only room for one Celine Dion on this planet. Skip to the end.

 

Portugal: looks taped off a cheap talent show. This girl has the hair extensions of a tribal dancer, but otherwise the video has nothing going for it.

 

Russia: an impressive stage lighting scheme. There's a kind of black toga vibe to this one's outfit. Eurovision.tv need to do something about standardising the audio level on all these videos.

 

Serbia: there's a man with an accordion and I'm not sure how I feel about this. There is, however, a man with a blonde Afro. He's just tipped his accordionist. There three bald backing dancers doing a jazz square. He's now doing a rather distressing dance where he gets down with his bad self. A blonde woman in a diaphanous white gown has now entered. She just stands there and looks imperious--she's just posing. Implausibly, this ends with a shot of a suitcase of money. Perhaps there's an amusing heist subplot?

 

Slovakia: mournful piano. two people lying on the piano. There's a cheesy animated portrait. I think this sounds like the sad bit of a cheap French film about a couple who break up acrimoniously and then wonder the rainswept streets. The stage show could be incredibly dull, or it could go all Phantom of the Opera.

 

Go-go dancers: they improve all Eurovision entry videos. Why can't we get more of these?

 

Slovenia: Frenetic power strings. Singer standing behind a paper screen. Will she burst through?? Please, I hope so. Okay, she's just singing behind the screen? Come on, people!! They waited far too long to reveal the singer who is wearing an entirely generic gown.

 

Spain: At least the video is professionally produced and not filmed on VHS by the artist's cousin. This one clearly wants to be Spain's Kylie but she lacks Kylie's choerographer. Hot haircut and shoes. Talented backing dancers but (and I've said this before) they are wearing far too many clothes.

 

George suggests inventing a sequin cannon

 

Sweden: this sounds like pants. More lyrics to be forbidden: 'can you keep a secret'. Opera with a pop mix. This woman's face does not move so she moves her neck instead. Nicola says this is "late night gay boy crack". Heather remarks that the singer's hair is distressingly transparent. Entertaining masks pulled out by the singers towards the end.

 

Switzerland: Ooh, slightly angsty! Shadowy rock band emerges from the mist. This one does want to be Kurt Cobain/Evan Dando so badly. Listen buddy, you put on a dress or pyjamas perform this song, then we'll talk. This sucks but at least it's not generic pop. they've got emo fan/dancers. They sound a bit like Kings of Leon.

 

Turkey: they've gone back to Sertab Erener. This is not a new song and the backing track is some old bellydancing track that's been around since the year 1. No presence in this performer. The dancing is quite lackluster. This looks kind of like them rehearsing this number. Consensus: needs to be sexed up quite a lot on the night.

 

Ukraine: Tribal drumming by men in loincloths, mad dancing, a touch of the Magnum seven sins ice cream adverts. Writhing dancers covered in chocolate. Repeated shots of the singer dressed as a 'sexy cop' wearing a police badge codpiece g-string. At the end, she just sinks naked back into a pool of chocolate. Something for everyone.

 

 UK: Why can't Andrew Lloyd Webber crawl back into his mansion and fuck off? This bores the crap out of me.